16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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