Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
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