i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
