i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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