I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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