Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
