we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
