During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
