The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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