PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
