I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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