Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
