my phone needs a breathalizer
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
