Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
