Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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