I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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