my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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