As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
