you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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