Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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