Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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