1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
