My liver just broke up with me...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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