one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
