Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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