How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
