I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
