I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
