I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
