Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
