I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
why is half of my head shaved?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
