i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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