I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
