Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
