dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
