nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
