Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
