some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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