Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
be right there i have to get my cape
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
