if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
