my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize