I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
