new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
