The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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