I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
