I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
