He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
