i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
