Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
