i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Best friends brother. Beat that.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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