ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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