I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
