I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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