Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
