I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Randomize
