How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize