I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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