he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
