Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
