I just cut my nipple shaving
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
