Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
