i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
