then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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